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a good story, pt. 6

October 30, 2007

Falling in love is a lot like playing music. On the one hand, you really do need to just go with it, do what comes natural, let things happen as they will, without a lot of planning. That’s really what it’s all about. But on the other hand, if your heart leans a little too far in that direction, if you let your guard down completely and just go with it, you might fall flat on your face. I think the best bands are those who are able to walk that very thin line of keeping it “loose” but still maintaining control of what they’re going to do next. Yo La Tengo is a good example. They have a way of sounding like they are a train that’s just about to derail, yet they never do.

So anyway, falling in love with a musician was a new experience for me. And with us both being in bands that were part of the same “scene,” suddenly it seemed like our relationship was a very public one. Our bands were really tight, and I guess the other band members were worried that if something happened with our relationship then that would affect the relationship between the two bands. To me it sounded really silly; I wasn’t used to people seeming to have so much stake in my personal life. But everyone seemed to have an opinion about it, and most of them had no problem sharing this opinion with me.

I remember one of his closest friends (or so I thought) telling me to be careful, and even went so far as to call him a “dog.” But see, what folks didn’t realize is I’m damn hard-headed. The more I heard things like this, the more I felt like he was a challenge. Sure, he had wronged girls before, but I was convinced that that was just because they weren’t right for him.

So despite the warnings, I felt like things were progressing nicely. We had moved from friendship to dating, to falling in love with one another.

There were two big turning points in our relationship. The first I don’t want to go into detail about, as I fear it would be disrespectful. Let’s just say I saw first-hand how a catastrophic event can accelerate a relationship. That was truly when things changed. Suddenly we became much more serious… when I look back, it’s hard to imagine that things would have intensified so much had this life-changing event not occurred.

The second involved a trip that he took to Germany. It just so happened that this trip occurred just a few months after said catastrophic event. We both thought it was a good idea for him to go on with his plans, that he needed to get away, he needed to enjoy himself, etc. While he was away, I found out he had apparently kissed some girl at a party. I remembered the night of the party… we had a show and afterwards I was tired so I went on home. He stayed out with his friends; later it was revealed that at the end of the evening he felt it appropriate to give another girl a goodnight kiss.

I took this news very hard, but I think it was mainly because I couldn’t even talk to him about it. The last thing I wanted to do was try to have a discussion over the phone about it while he was in another country. So for about a week, I tried to play like nothing was wrong. If he asked me what was wrong I’d just tell him I missed him. I’m a really bad liar though, so eventually I broke. I cried and cried, telling him how I had been nothing but good to him, I didn’t deserve this, it was unfair, etc. He seemed just as heartbroken though, apologizing over and over, and crying with me.

I had no idea what to do. I did believe that I loved him, and I thought he loved me too. But how could I trust him again?

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