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Big sigh.

July 18, 2008

Every few months I have a minor freak out in which I wonder what the hell I’m doing with my life and go round and round in circles trying to figure it out. I guess I was due for one today, because I’ve had one all afternoon. And they are starting to get exhausting. I totally wear myself out. And I just wonder if I’ll ever just figure it out. Will I ever get to that place where I can say “YES! This is it, this is what I’m supposed to be doing with my life!”? Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for adventure and surprises. And I KNOW this is all part of the ride… the trying different things and working towards something bigger and better. But revisiting this funk every few months really sucks.

Sometimes I really wish I could be more like Mark. He lives in the NOW more than anyone I’ve ever known. He wakes up every day, works for at least 12 hours, comes home, goes to bed, does it the next day. He’s CRIMINALLY underpaid. But doesn’t even seem to mind. He’s doing what he loves, what he’s supposed to be doing. Sure, he deals with some bullshit too, sometimes. But more often than not, he’s accomplishing something, and he’s proud of it. It’s a great feeling.

I’ve been fortunate enough to experience that feeling several times this week. Watching teenagers who, prior to Monday, had never sat behind a drum kit suddenly be able to not only play the “basic rock beat” but play a friggin’ drum solo, to do sixteenth notes on the hi-hat, to say they “figured out Bloc Party”… well it’s just the most awesome thing. Doing something just a couple of hours a day, but then coming back the next day and actually seeing real progress, it’s worth the bullshit and it’s the sort of thing that makes you want to get up and do it again the next day. What I wouldn’t give to have that feeling for more than just one week.

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